August 29, 2017

For this page I originally just decided that I’d post a bunch of childhood pics in a gallery format, but I guess I could try to write up a summary of myself as well.

 

I’ll get through the facts first, and then maybe include some inward reflection later.

 

So I was born on May 13, 1999. Same day my brother was born! He’s thirteen years older than me, however. But yeah, I was born on the Asian side of Istanbul, Turkey. I spent the first three months of my life there until this really bad earthquake happened. A lot of people died, but thankfully all our loved ones were ok.

 

After that, we moved to Jersey City in New Jersey, and it was my parents’ first time in the United States. Oh, I completely forgot to mention this, but my family is actually from Bulgaria, though we are still ethnically Turkish. I’m a little Tatar from my dad’s side. My family was really poor when we first immigrated. I don’t remember those times since I was quite young, but I’ve heard stories from my mom. Moving to another country sometimes just requires a lot of sacrifice.

 

I’d say I had a rather unusual childhood, but then again I’m just comparing mine to what I assume is the norm for other children. I was definitely brought up in a Turkish household, and was kind of isolated from everyone else at school and stuff. We would only ever eat at the local Turkish restaurants and shop at the local Turkish supermarkets, and at one point I even attended a local Turkish middle school. Looking back, I frequently felt this sense of not belonging. I couldn’t relate to my American classmates at school, but neither could I relate to the other Turkish kids. I felt very lonely growing up.

 

I was quite a thoughtful kid. It was in the third grade, actually, that I decided I was going to become an astronomer when I grew up. It’s been ten years, and I know little me would be proud that I’m actually applying to be an astrophysics major at university now. I’ve noticed it’s something that I don’t really talk about with people, but it’s just something so dear and personal to me, that I tear up just thinking about it. Haha, I’m even holding back tears right now. It just means the world to me.

 

One thing I can also say about myself growing up, was that I was also very hopeful. Almost to a fault. I truly believed that all my dreams would come true, and that I would change the world, and that everything was going to work itself out eventually. I had this unwavering belief in good. And as you can expect, I’ve been called “naive” many, many times. “Naive” and “innocent.”

 

For what it’s worth, my favorite book was “The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy,” a collection of short poems by Tim Burton. I don’t really have a favorite book at the moment. I used to listen to “Ice Dance” by Danny Elfman a lot, as I felt like that song expressed who I felt like I was in a way I couldn’t with words. I was a great fan of movies that illustrated the feeling of “not belonging” I felt, such as “Edward Scissorhands” and “Coraline.” I also really liked “Alice in Wonderland” and the “Narnia” series. “ParaNorman.” You get the idea.

 

I realize I might sound like I have a solemn personality, and that might be true. I don’t know, as I’m usually not this reflective. I don’t really have the time to get in tune with what I’m feeling on a day-to-day basis, as I’m usually just in my room working on something. I’m quite methodical in how I complete tasks and assignments, almost like a machine. Or maybe that’s not the right way to describe it, but, what I’m trying to say is that once I start doing something, I become totally engrossed in it. Often, to the point where I forget to eat and even look around me.

 

I have to go to sleep now :-)

 

To be continued..

August 30, 2017

I’ve been thinking of what I would write here ever since I began getting ready for bed an hour ago, and I just have a bunch of potential sentences I could use floating around in my head right now. Basically, I struggle with expressing myself in a way that accurately represents who I feel I am, but I also think I do it on purpose because of a mental barrier. It’s a paradox, because as much as I say I love talking to people and getting to know them, I feel extremely uncomfortable when someone tries to get to know me. I just don’t allow it.

 

So writing this page here is quite difficult. But the thing is, I want people to get to know me. I want to truly connect with those around me, and that can only happen when I overcome whatever’s been stopping me from opening up thus far. I think that’s the true reason why I went through the trouble of setting up this website and making it my own. And I also think I mentioned this in my very first post, but, I want to change. And if I can’t do it in real life yet, I might as well start here.

 

I know this is pretty obvious, but I haven’t said it in my “About” page at all, and it is a pretty big part of me and all. But yeah, my name’s Esin Murat. No middle name. My first name is Turkish for “inspiration” and my last name is Turkish for “desire.” The latter is actually an extremely common first name here, and the only reason it’s my last name is that my mom had to reassign my family a new one after having had escaped Bulgaria in the 80’s. We all had Bulgarian names back then.

 

But, that’s a story for another night.