My life doesn’t mean that much to me. I find it hard to do things for my own sake.. I need to look outside of my immediate scope of the world to give meaning to what I’ve yet to accomplish.
This heavy feeling of guilt accompanies me as I go about doing even the most trivial of tasks. Thinking about it now, it seems to stem from a perceived feeling of inadequacy. A discrepancy between expectation and reality.
There’s a dull aching pain in my soul from which the ins-and-outs of the days can only manage to distract. But as the sun sets and the world gets a little quieter, the darkness outside brings out that which is dark within me. The momentary amusement I had felt hours prior in the company of people is then rendered fleeting and unreal.
The emotion is often intense and overbearing, and often results in a wet spot on my pillowcase as I go to sleep at night. I’ve found that all I can do in that moment is just pray to God to make it all stop.
The worst part, is that the source of this heart-wrenching pain is entirely impersonal. It’s completely and utterly out of my control. All I can do is just brace the waves as they crash into my body, with each hit making me feel that much more cursed as well as blessed.
At this point, I just feel my entity to be a vessel that lets me go through the world inconspicuously, free to take in what I perceive with all five of its senses. As if how one would feel visiting another planet, had they been disguised to look “normal” in order to experience all that the planet had to offer without any restrictions.
It’s as if I were disconnected from the beating of my own heart, but extremely in tune with that of the world. Regardless of how well my own life may be going.. when the world bleeds, I bleed too.
But no matter how much I want to make it all stop, at the end of the day, I just don’t have enough bandages.