For some reason the electricity went out in my neighborhood, so I’m just using Microsoft Word for now. I usually write my entries directly in the back-end of my website, but I guess this will have to do. Who knows, maybe the different formatting will make me inclined to write more. We’ll see.
By the way, I don’t plan these things. I just write whenever I really feel the urge to. When I have some thoughts on my mind that I feel need to be explained, or some emotions in my heart that I feel need to be expressed. The objective of this specific post is the latter.
You know the song “Clair de Lune” by Flight Facilities? It’s really nice. I used to listen to it on repeat back when I had to take the bus to school. I remember sitting in the back with my brown booties and light grey tights, still not quite used to wearing a skirt to school every day. I transferred in late January, so it was still dark out by the time I would leave my house at 6:20. Starting the day while it’s still dark outside is weird, though I like it. It makes me more mindful.
But anyway, once I’d settled down in my seat and heard the doors close, the first thing I’d do was plug in my headphones and listen to music. At the time, I didn’t really get how to download songs so that I could listen to them offline. I was really into German music back then. But yeah, I could only ever listen to two songs: “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin, and that “Clair de Lune” song I just told you about.
The first time I heard it I fell in love. It’s unlike any song I’ve ever heard before, and even though its lyrics are kind of simple, they really resonate with me.
My life changed so much in these past two years. You have no idea. If you knew me, if you really knew how I was two years ago when I lived in the states, you wouldn’t believe the transformation. But it’s not just my personality that changed; literally everything that made me “me,” is gone. It got replaced. I have a new essence. And in my opinion, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
The reason I decided to write this post, is because when I listened to that song, as I was laying awake in the darkness, I cried. I didn’t sob, but tears left my eyes and trailed down my cheeks. I didn’t even feel an ounce of sadness. It was just.. emotion.
I’m a very emotional person by the way. Whether it be anger, sadness, happiness or even love, whatever I feel, I feel it to my core. Emotion can overtake me, and it usually does. Yet, this time, it didn’t.
I feel like there’re so many variables at play in my life right now, that I just kind of just gave up in controlling them. As if life’s an ocean, and I’m letting its trials and tribulations go over me like waves, while I peacefully lay on the sand. I feel like I surrendered to something. I mean, I’m still trying my best and going after my dreams, but it feels different now. You know how some people believe in fate? I think I’m starting to believe in that too.
I don’t feel as angry when bad stuff happen to me anymore. I just accept that it happened, and that it’s reality, and try to make the best of it. I guess I stopped feeling entitled to having things go my way. Because sometimes, they just don’t.
You know, as someone who was always so intent on “making things happen no matter what,” to the point where I would idolize Gordon Gekko for his ruthless grit and determination, what I just said over there was really hard to admit. You wouldn’t know this unless you were close to me, but I’m really stubborn when it comes to getting what I want.
Once I decide that I want to do something, literally nothing in this universe could stop me. Even if I end up dying in the process. I’m just that kind of person. This isn’t to say that I can’t change my mind; it’s just that it has to be me changing my own mind, not something or someone else. Just imagine a bulldozer in human form, and that’s me. I’m fully aware that I don’t give off this impression to people who may know me at school or whatever, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
Okay this is more like a rambling session than anything, but it’s helping me to clear my mind, so. I’m going to continue it.
I also fantasize about power. It’s not enough for me to just make a high-salary one day and live comfortably. I want my voice to be HEARD. I want to shake things up and leave them completely different from how they were before. I tell my mom this all the time, but I’m not content with living the average life, where I just get an education, get a job, get married, have kids, and die. I want more.
I want to be a source of controversy. I want people to hate me, as well as love me. No in between. I want to live passionately, without fear. I want to cause riots and outbreaks and public instability. I want to be at the forefront of a revolution. A representative of the next generation. I want to stand for my values, stand for what I believe in. I want to inspire and I want to be inspired.
Most of all, I guess I just want to make people feel something.
But for now, I have to go to sleep.