I’m angry. I’m so angry that I feel like my entire body is on fire. I can’t stop the flow of hot tears down my cheeks. I just can’t take it anymore.
How can I be happy, when so many people out there are suffering? How? When you see headline after headline, pain after pain. My soul is aching, but I can’t do anything about it. And that hurts me even more.
I’ve noticed in the past couple of days that I’ve become emotionally numb. That’s the best way I could describe it. Numb. My view of the world is harsher, and I feel like I’m finally seeing everything for the way it is. Like I’m finally facing reality head on. I’m not in fairyland anymore. And I’m heartbroken because of it.
I lost so much patience with people. I feel like I lost that softness that I had in my interactions, that doe-eyed gentleness. I feel like a completely different person to who I was just less than a year ago. I feel like I grew up by ten years.
I’m not afraid of adulthood or responsibility. I’m not afraid of living on my own and, well, being alone. In fact, I want it so bad. I want to be challenged, and I want to get broken down by it in the process.. so that I could revel in the satisfaction of having built myself up again.
I want to suffer, because I know just how strong you become when you overcome the pain. I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I want life to hit me with its best shot. Because goddamnit, I’m ready.
This might sound psychopathic, but the prospect of dying too early doesn’t scare me anymore. The idea that I might not fulfill my potential. In fact, I’m dying to risk my life for a cause. If my death would stop the suffering of others, I wouldn’t think twice.
I just want to do something. I can’t take this anymore! I can’t take the guilt I feel, just standing idly by while innocent people are getting killed and abused.
There are so many examples of all the treacherous acts going on in the world, but it all comes down to this: bad things are happening to good people. And I want to stop it.
They say that money is power, so I guess in order to make an actual difference I need to get rich first. And to do that, I need to be smart. Every decision going forward will have some sort of a consequence, and I have to be wise when making them. Finally, I have to be fearless, so I could have the courage to follow them through when the lights go out.
World, I won’t let you down. And that’s a promise.
– Esin Murat