So I guess I’m doing this now. To be honest I’ve been putting this off for a while now, but I guess.. it’s time.
I tried to mentally prepare myself by listening to The Smiths and David Bowie, and I’m even listening to this playlist on Spotify called “Tender” right now. Because that’s how I feel when I sit down to write these posts: tender. While I was staring at my computer thinking of what to write after that, I actually changed the station. Now I’m listening to a ten hour loop of “Song on the Beach” from that movie Her.
This really isn’t coming naturally to me right now, but I can’t just stop. I don’t know why, but something about sitting down to start writing and then just stopping without having really expressed everything I wanted to express, just seems so wrong. It feels like a disservice to myself, and quite frankly, it makes me feel like crap.
I almost just resorted to writing on autopilot mode, like how I usually am on a day-to-day basis. But thankfully that sentence is now deleted, and I can continue to struggle as I try to stay as true to my actual thoughts as possible. I’m probably still holding back a ton, especially since this is totally public, but I’m trying.
Ok I’m giving myself an hour, and then I’m going to bed. At least by then I’ll hopefully have let out of a decent amount of feelings from my heart, or my brain, or wherever this stuff comes from. You know, I’ve been thinking today, if I should also make videos and post them on the web, of me just talking. Like on Youtube. But I think that’d be extremely difficult for me, as it’s already hard expressing how I feel with words. And I love writing. Talking? Eh.
But then I always think about how I’m going to die eventually, and how none of this even matters. So might as well, right? Oh! There ya go: a topic for conversation. Finally. As you can tell, I was really stuck there for a moment on what to write about.
But yeah, I think I mentioned this in a previous blog post before as well, but the awareness of the fact that I’m eventually going to die has been the main motivator for going after what I want in this world and well, living. The way I see it, if I completely screw up and fail in all that I endeavor.. the sun will still rise in the morning. People will still go about their daily routines, and the seasons will still change at every equinox. I think you get what I’m trying to say.
And this idea, of being small and irrelevant to the rest of the world, is incredibly liberating. I could literally just stop everything I’m doing right now and join the circus, and that’d be that. Sure I’d get bombarded with a ton of questions at first by the kids at school and a couple family members, but after a while, no one would really care anymore. People have their own lives to worry about, and I don’t blame them. But what I’m trying to say is, if you don’t worry about your own life, no one else will.
Now that may sound isolating and lonely, but to me, it’s the best thing ever. It means I don’t need to ask permission or have approval to just, be who I am and do what I want. I mean of course you still have to follow laws and pay taxes and all that, but I’m talking about something on a more grand scale. I’m talking about the meaning of life.
Heck, I’m just gonna say it: I’m moving to China by myself next year. There are a ton of reasons for this (I promise) but all I’m gonna say here is.. why not? Life’s short, and this is what I want to do with it. Simple as that.
If you ask me, I think the meaning of life is whatever you want it to be. Since I can’t peek into the hearts of those around me, I can only speak for myself when I tell you that.. the meaning of life is to just give it my all, really. Just put up a good fight.. even if I lose miserably, I still want to deserve a medal for relentless participation. And I guess I just want to see how far I can go. How far I can be pushed, and maybe to see if I would even push back. When I think of life, I think of possibility. Which is exactly why I feel so passionate about discovering it on other planets!
My one hour is up.. see you at the next checkpoint.
– 穆爱欣 ;)