Not an Existential Crisis

I’ve been meaning to write for a while now. I’ve really been wanting to put this feeling inside of me into words for about a month now, but every time I sat down at my computer, I just couldn’t.

 

Writing about how you truly feel is difficult. Like straight from the heart, genuine, raw. Writing without caring how your words come across, without trying to sound like you know how to write well. Writing just to express.

 

And the fact that I just read over what I wrote there three times to make sure I didn’t sound too pretentious demonstrates my point. But nope, I’m not going to go to sleep until I get it out. As usual, it’s almost four in the morning. I can’t seem to write at any time prior.

 

But anyway, I just want to say that I changed a lot. This past year, past month, whatever. Like I literally noticed a huge difference in the way I see and think about the world now. And not only that, but also my place in it. I was about to write “I can’t explain it” but then I’d just have to end this post right here, and I won’t do that.

 

I feel like this post sounds solemn, and I guess you can call me that now. I think one thing that’s changed me is my increased awareness of all the horrible things going on in the world. And I don’t necessarily mean the stuff that makes headlines, but rather just the everyday trials and tribulations everyday people go through.

 

I see myself a lot smaller now. Genuinely, like I’m not trying to sound enlightened or modest or anything. I’ve realized just how small the scope of my world is, how narrow of a perception I have. How inexperienced with life I am. And then when I start thinking about all the millions upon millions of stories that this Earth has witnessed over the centuries, I get the same feeling I feel when I look up at the night sky from my bedroom window.

 

More than ever, I feel this need to contribute. More than ever, I want to make a difference with the however limited time I have in this world. And I’m actually tearing up right now. This isn’t even an existential crisis. I’m not pining over the purpose of it all. I just.. want to do something.

 

And the fact that I’m so limited in what I can offer right now, is depressing me. You ever see something so bad, so tragic, that you just wish you could make It all stop? See someone so sad, and just want to make all the pain go away? That’s kind of what I’m experiencing now, but I want to do that for the whole goddamn world. I don’t want any more injustice. Any more needless bloodshed, needless suffering. And to me, all suffering is needless suffering.

 

My mom said that the world can never be at peace, because there will always be a fight between good and evil. But what if evil is just something that was once good, that got hurt? Even the worst human to have ever lived was at one point just an innocent little baby. Innocent in the sense that it would do no harm.. maybe because it hadn’t been harmed itself.

 

People always talk about making “the world a better place.” But I don’t know if that’s possible by just doing more good. I think to make a real difference in the lives of people, you must eradicate the bad. I don’t know; can light drive out darkness? Can love drive out hate? Or are we missing something else..

 

How do you make an unloved person feel loved again? I don’t know. But maybe if I did, maybe then I could change the world.

 

I hope that didn’t come off too preachy. I’m just writing whatever’s coming to my head. And my computer just told me that it’s officially 4 am. I don’t feel tired though. Not even a little bit.

 

I’ve also gotten acutely more aware of how much the lack of money can screw your life. Or even the abundance of it. Woah, I just felt my brain blank out. Haha, guess maybe I am a little sleepy.

 

Not sure if this post’s accomplished what I wanted it to accomplish, but if not, no worries! I’ll just write another one.

 

:-) Good night

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