Not an Existential Crisis

I’ve been meaning to write for a while now. I’ve really been wanting to put this feeling inside of me into words for about a month now, but every time I sat down at my computer, I just couldn’t.

 

Writing about how you truly feel is difficult. Like straight from the heart, genuine, raw. Writing without caring how your words come across, without trying to sound like you know how to write well. Writing just to express.

 

And the fact that I just read over what I wrote there three times to make sure I didn’t sound too pretentious demonstrates my point. But nope, I’m not going to go to sleep until I get it out. As usual, it’s almost four in the morning. I can’t seem to write at any time prior.

 

But anyway, I just want to say that I changed a lot. This past year, past month, whatever. Like I literally noticed a huge difference in the way I see and think about the world now. And not only that, but also my place in it. I was about to write “I can’t explain it” but then I’d just have to end this post right here, and I won’t do that.

 

I feel like this post sounds solemn, and I guess you can call me that now. I think one thing that’s changed me is my increased awareness of all the horrible things going on in the world. And I don’t necessarily mean the stuff that makes headlines, but rather just the everyday trials and tribulations everyday people go through.

 

I see myself a lot smaller now. Genuinely, like I’m not trying to sound enlightened or modest or anything. I’ve realized just how small the scope of my world is, how narrow of a perception I have. How inexperienced with life I am. And then when I start thinking about all the millions upon millions of stories that this Earth has witnessed over the centuries, I get the same feeling I feel when I look up at the night sky from my bedroom window.

 

More than ever, I feel this need to contribute. More than ever, I want to make a difference with the however limited time I have in this world. And I’m actually tearing up right now. This isn’t even an existential crisis. I’m not pining over the purpose of it all. I just.. want to do something.

 

And the fact that I’m so limited in what I can offer right now, is depressing me. You ever see something so bad, so tragic, that you just wish you could make It all stop? See someone so sad, and just want to make all the pain go away? That’s kind of what I’m experiencing now, but I want to do that for the whole goddamn world. I don’t want any more injustice. Any more needless bloodshed, needless suffering. And to me, all suffering is needless suffering.

 

My mom said that the world can never be at peace, because there will always be a fight between good and evil. But what if evil is just something that was once good, that got hurt? Even the worst human to have ever lived was at one point just an innocent little baby. Innocent in the sense that it would do no harm.. maybe because it hadn’t been harmed itself.

 

People always talk about making “the world a better place.” But I don’t know if that’s possible by just doing more good. I think to make a real difference in the lives of people, you must eradicate the bad. I don’t know; can light drive out darkness? Can love drive out hate? Or are we missing something else..

 

How do you make an unloved person feel loved again? I don’t know. But maybe if I did, maybe then I could change the world.

 

I hope that didn’t come off too preachy. I’m just writing whatever’s coming to my head. And my computer just told me that it’s officially 4 am. I don’t feel tired though. Not even a little bit.

 

I’ve also gotten acutely more aware of how much the lack of money can screw your life. Or even the abundance of it. Woah, I just felt my brain blank out. Haha, guess maybe I am a little sleepy.

 

Not sure if this post’s accomplished what I wanted it to accomplish, but if not, no worries! I’ll just write another one.

 

:-) Good night

  • Pasan Madhusankha

    Once again excellent ! As i have told you earlier your words are so powerful. And let me tell about the post. “I see myself a lot smaller now” That is exactly a good sign. Feeling small is relative. Either you become smaller or the world become bigger. I think latter would be the reason behind how you perceive the things now. In my point of view , your understanding about the world is bigger than earlier. “Esse est precipi” Found this in the new philosophy book I read which has the meaning, ” To be is to perceive(be perceived) ” Everyone is inexperienced with life. But we can control to which extent we are inexperienced of it. There was not, is not and won’t be anyone who is 100% experienced with life. All the things mean that you are growing up acquiring much knowledge about the life. Good Luck !
    And i agree with you mother. There is good because there is bad in this world. Almost all the things are relative. White exist because of black and vice versa. There must be 2 or more things to distinguish the differences. As there are two different opposite things, we can either eradicate one thing or strengthen the other.
    And i appreciate you point that “the worst human to have ever lived was at one point just an innocent little baby”. I believe this. Sometimes it is the society itself which makes an assassin out of an innocent . I have watched the biography film of Hitler. He was an innocent man once. But the society made him to a dictator.
    As a person who believes in compassion, I think we can make at least a shadow Utopia if each and everyone was taught to love each other.
    And yes, first of all we have to think of ourselves. So we have to be economically stable first as money is essential.
    Good luck !
    And
    Keep Writing ! Keep thinking!

    • Thank you so much for your wonderful comment! Your words are full of so much genuine positivity that I always look forward to reading them :)

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