A self-portrait I painted in art class.

Some Thoughts before I turn Eighteen

Hello there!

 

So tomorrow’s my birthday, and I’ll be turning eighteen. Also, it’s almost 3 in the morning and I had no intention of writing a post until about ten minutes ago. I was listening to “Give A Little Love” by Noah And The Whale. I really love that song.. it reminds me of how fleeting life is in the most beautiful way.

 

I guess a benefit to feeling the urge to write this late at night is that I’ll be more honest. I feel like honest writing is the most powerful, and I’d really like to write powerfully. I want to be as authentic as possible, even if that means missing out on a couple hours of sleep. To be honest though, I’ll probably just go late to school tomorrow. We don’t have any classes anymore since the exams for the Turkish diploma are over, so we’re basically just either self-studying for our A-level exams or hanging out in the canteen. So yeah, it’s no biggie.

 

You know, I’m almost done with reading “The Catcher in the Rye” (which I started months ago but didn’t really get around to reading regularly until recently) and the way Holden talks really struck a chord with me. It’s such a unique style of expression, but so simple. He uses a lot of repetition, and says stuff like “to tell you the truth” and “no kidding” a lot. He also refers to people as “old Sally” or “old Phoebe.” I really like that. He’s like 17 in the book, but his soul has such an old-timey feel to it. Or maybe that’s just because the book’s from the 1950’s. Either way, I wanna be like Holden. And to do that, I need to be honest.

 

I never told anyone this, but my iguana Hans ran away over a month ago. I think he jumped out the window, which is kind of bizarre considering that he usually has no interest in jumping out of windows. To be honest, I was relieved when I found out; I thought he had gotten killed by the boiler/heater thing that he likes to perch on top of. I’ll maybe attach a picture so you have an idea of what I’m talking about. But yeah, last I heard some kind-hearted fellow found him on a tree and brought him over to the local zoo. I really have to visit him sometime. I would easily be able to tell him apart by the fact that his like fifth spike is missing. I don’t know, it just never grew.

 

Also, just to kind of offer an objective for this post, this was actually meant to be like a virtual replacement of these “birthday recaps” I used to do. I’d just find an empty page in any old random notebook, and pour my heart out. Well, they were usually just a couple of pages long, but chock-full of feelings and personal reflection. I’d go over how I felt about getting a year older, and what that specific year meant to me. For example, 18.. means a lot. I’ll maybe go over that here in a bit, though I am quite sleepy, so, we’ll see.

 

A major restriction in doing it this way is that I won’t be able to be nearly as personal. And by that, I mean talking about personal things. I’ll have to be super vague in regards to that, but such is life. Ahhh my eyes are closing. They’re actually burning, but same thing.

 

Enjoy:

 

 

Friends became strangers. Strangers became friends. Now I’m just so confused on how this’ll all end. (Should I make this rhyme?)

 

My life is being pulled in different directions, and I don’t know which one to take. Sometimes it feels like I’m dreaming, that I’m just an actress in a play called fate. I don’t even know if this is a test, or just a wake-up call saying I’m no different from the rest. It feels like it’s out of my control, as if I’m Alice and I just fell down a rabbit hole. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a happy girl.. I just didn’t expect life to take me for such a whirl. I guess you just need to have faith; it’s the only way to make it out of this place.

 

This place in your mind. It’s not physical or something you can touch. No, it’s something within you: a mental state like crutch. An attitude, a way of thinking. Though most of the time, it just prevents you from living. It consumes you, and everything becomes a blur. You become something else entirely: a bitter remnant of the person you once were.

 

 

Darn it, this was supposed to be positive. Oh well.

 

Yeaaah, I should really go to sleep now. It’s almost four in the morning!

 

 

Good night,, it’s my last as an illegal adult :-)

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