I feel so nervous right now. I initially planned to write about what I’ve been feeling for the past couple of days (mostly subdued existential angst), but when I had deleted everything I’d written for the fourth time
I can’t do this. No intro, no softening of it up. I’m just going to get straight to the point: I’m scared of being vulnerable.
The thought of updating the world on just what I’ve been doing recently, terrified me. And it’s just some hobbies. But I don’t know. I even had to look up some articles online to reassure me that this would be worth it.
Truth is, I’m scared of who might be reading this. And I’m not thinking of any one person in particular, but more like
Ah this is paralyzing! But I’m just going to keep the sentence fragments there so you can kind of follow my thought process.
<read some more articles on “the power of vulnerability”/>
So. Hi there. M’name is Esin, and I just turned 18 almost exactly a month ago. It’s been pretty chill so far. I can’t tell you how happy I am that school is over. Even if just for another month and half, I can finally enjoy life for all that it is without stressing over learning another chapter of math before an exam.
I should really be getting to sleep soon. Haha, I actually slept at 7 am today. Don’t even get me started on my sleep schedule.. (it doesn’t even exist). But yeah yeah, I know it’s horrible and that I should fix it asap. Easier said than done, but Imma do it. Ironically, I’m actually a morning person. But I don’t know, it’s just this habit I picked up sometime last year. But I shall fix it! I will.
Oh, would you look at that; I feel better already :-)
I also deleted almost all of my social media accounts recently. I originally opened them some two years ago for “personal branding,” but they just weren’t giving me a high enough return to justify all the time I was spending on them. I also even got somewhat addicted to using Instagram, which I hated. I really don’t like the feeling of being dependent on something.. makes me feel powerless.
I’ll probably open up another account once I trademark “Esin Murat.” I’m also thinking of registering my own company under that name this summer, but we’ll see. You know, I was actually about to open one when I was sixteen if the name I wanted hadn’t been taken. It would’ve been called “Contact,” named after the movie that inspired me to discover aliens. And the company would’ve sort of been like an investing firm, where it would help sponsor emerging scientists with the money from stockholders. I would’ve sort of been like a middleman in the transaction, so to speak.
So that’s what I’ve been thinking of doing. I also bought this neat DSLR on my birthday, and so I’ve been watching videos on the theory of photography and all as of late. I’d like to become a street photographer! Above all, I just really want to capture and share moments. So yeah, my new Instagram account will probably just be a platform for that when the time comes.
Last but not least, I also got a guitar Saturday! A friend of mine inspired me to pick it up since she plays so many instruments herself, and plus I really like rock music. I just hope that I could manage to stick with it; I tried learning the piano and violin before but quickly lost the motivation to practice for both. Just yesterday I learned how to tune it!
Okay let’s wrap this up, cause it’s almost midnight and I’m aiming for progress here. I swear, if I could sleep and wake up early every day..
Oh, and in the spirit of this post, I’m not going to ask my mom to read it over until after I’d published it on the web.
Thank. You. For. Reading.