So I’ve decided to take advantage of the fact that I’m sick in bed and write a new post. As usual, I’ve been meaning to write this specific one for a couple days now. It’s been on my mind.
I’ve just been thinking about my why. Like the reason for why I push myself so hard. The reason for why I just always seem to keep going. I’ve been trying to articulate this drive that I feel deep within me, into words. Well, in my head at least. Here’s where I actually get it out on paper.
I just wrote out a couple sentences describing how tired I feel due to the amount of work I’ve been exerting, but then I just deleted it all. Not using Command-A, but rather by watching all the letters, words, and phrases disappear one by one as I tenaciously pressed on the delete key. Until all that I was left with was the blinking insertion point.
I don’t know. There. I just really don’t know why I am the way I am. Do most people? I mean, maybe drive is just as an innate quality as.. ok, well maybe not innate, but it’s definitely something that has to be built over time. And I think this is just something that’s I’ve had in me for as long as I can remember. This is me.
I watched a motivational video last night before going to sleep, and I realized something: the most powerful reason for doing something is other people. And I’m not gonna lie; I’ve felt like giving up. I knew that throwing in the towel wasn’t an option, but let me tell you, I sure felt like it. It’s gotten to the point where I just tear up for no reason most nights before going to bed. Just from how overwhelmed I feel. Like I look into my eyes in the bathroom mirror, or at the bright moon outside the window at night, and start tearing up.
But then I hear that quote that goes, “You’re already in pain. Don’t cry to give up, cry to keep going” echo in my head. And that’s what I do. I keep going.
But then I realized that that’s not good enough. I can’t get by on sheer willpower anymore. It’s too risky, and what I’m doing right now is so important to me that I can’t risk it.
I’ve decided, that I’m going to study for all those who can’t. I must always remind myself and be grateful for the opportunity I have in front of me right now, and even if I collapse from fatigue in the process, heck, even if I die, I can’t let this slip away from me. As the days pass, I’m getting more and more aware of how fortunate I am. Especially from this very aspect of my life that I’m struggling to uphold. Just like how parents often motivate their children to finish their plates by reminding them of starving children, I must motivate myself to push on by reminding myself of those who don’t even have anything to push.
It’s going to take a bit of conditioning to adapt to this mindset, but I have to. It’s the only sustainable way for me to not give up. To find meaning in my temporary suffering. Every time I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself, I have to remember that there are so many people who are fighting tooth and nail just to get by. Especially academically, as education is regarded more as a privilege reserved for those who can afford it, rather than a basic human right.
Knowing how much some people would sacrifice to chase their dreams, to make something of themselves, to even just put food on the table.. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t give my absolute all. I have to do justice to this opportunity that I have.. for them.
I don’t know what the future has in store for me.. I know that it’s gonna be tough.
But I’m tougher.