I got the urge to write this at 3 in the morning, but never mind that now; I’ve got stuff to say.
As long as I could remember, I’ve always wanted to change so badly. And now, I’m glad to say that I finally did. Whether it was a conscious decision of mine or just a result of my experiences, I’m different now. If you’ve ever known me at one point in your life, and are now reading this, just know that she’s gone. And if you ask me, she left voluntarily.
But I’m not done yet.
I want to erase my entire past. Even though most of my memories are a blur anyway, I want to eradicate them completely. I even spoke up at school about this, but one of the main reasons I’m relocating to China is to simply get away. I already have a new name picked out for myself, and for me, that’s the most exciting part. Think about it: I have the chance to be whoever I want to be. To reinvent myself. Whatever happened in my life up until this point is irrelevant.
But like I said, I’m not doing this out of hatred or angst. On the contrary, this is an act of love. An act of hope. Despite everything, I still believe the world to be a beautiful place. And I love myself enough to go out and experience the beauty that it can offer.
I’m not motivated by material wealth in the slightest. Nor fame or popularity. Not even success. More than anything, I want to gain a deep understanding of the human experience. I want to really connect with people from all walks of life, and learn from them while I can. I want to see how many different thoughts a person could have when they see the sun rise in the morning, and how those thoughts change by sunset.
I guess what I’m saying is, I want to change. So. Badly.
That song by Fiona Apple just came to my mind. “Extraordinary Machine.” The chorus really resonates with me, and it goes like:
If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can’t help that the road just rose out behind me
Be kind to me or treat me mean
I’ll make the most of it
I’m an extraordinary machine
A lot of people don’t understand my decision to start a new life on the other side of the world, and I don’t expect them to. It’s highly personal and led by a conviction I feel deep within me. But I also think that it’s highly relatable. And maybe even desirable. It’s just the risk part of the equation that tends to deter some people. But quite frankly, I have nothing to lose.
Nor do I think I will lose. I’m actually extremely confident that it’ll work out. It just feels so right, like it was destined. Like everything I’d ever experienced, all the people I’ve ever crossed paths with, all the trials and tribulations and everything in between, all had a purpose.
As if my life is just now about to begin, and everything else was just a prelude for what’s to come.
Who knows, I just might even become a different person ;)